Disclaimer: Mulder and Scully are CC, 10-13, and Fox's. Not that you'd know it, considering the amount of time we've actually seen them in the episodes of this season. The song 'Alone', which this story is based on is by Heart and is owned by Capitol Records, Inc. Infringement is never intended but disregarded nonetheless.
Author's Note: I think I finally broke my writer's block! Thank goodness. I think I'll finally be able to get some work done now. Please, take a moment and let me know if you liked this little excursion into Mulder's psyche. XScout@hotmail.com
I hear the ticking of the clock.
Nothing else registers but the 'tick tick' as the second hand counts the time I have remaining. Each one is loud and sonorous, slowly marking the passage of the night. The room is pitch dark except for the tiny highlights the moon casts on the furniture. The coffee table is overturned and there are some glass shards spread across the floor. Odd, I can't remember what broke. The phone is lying next to me on the hard floor, small dark spots gracing its white surface. Smudges of my life in a wasted effort to find you.
I wonder where you are tonight. Are you out with your mother? At a movie, with a friend, in a small coffee shop discussing your trials and tribulations? Unaware that I need you. I need you so much that the pain of it intermingles with the agony coursing through my body. I tried to call you, but no one answered, just a shrill ringing that sent sharp tendrils behind my eyes. Despair caused me to discard the useless appliance, reasoning that a small respite would give me the strength to try again in a moment.
Somewhere in my foggy mind I know I should call for an ambulance and I turn over slowly, groaning as my body protests the movement. Reaching for the previously abandoned phone, I pick up the receiver. Silence greets me. The line was dead, just like I will be. Coincidence? Not likely. More probable is that it is the work of the same man who has brought me to this diminished state.
It began as a normal night, nothing out of the ordinary, until I was overwhelmed with the need to talk to you. To tell you. In person. So I shoved my feet into a pair of sneakers and had just pulled on my jacket when the front door opened. I didn't have my gun; it was in the bedroom. Why would I bring my weapon with me?
I never saw the man's face, just the dark outline of his body and the metal glint of his pistol. There was a strange sound, much like the noise of a blowgun, and suddenly my chest exploded in pain. In hindsight I realize that it was the sound of a silencer. I fell backwards, knocking the coffee table over and hitting my head on the edge of the desk, plunging me into darkness. When I awoke the door was closed, the room black and foreboding. The first thing that came to my mind was you. I had to call you, had to tell you...
The 'tick tick' reminds me that precious time is disappearing and yet the night is going by so very slow. I don't want it to end though, can't bear the thought of it ending. Because I am alone.
Where has this insatiable need for you come from? When did you become such an integral part of my life that I cannot bear the thought of not having you by my side? I spent my life alone, distant mother and abusive father certainly couldn't qualify as 'being there'. But I got by on my own, a self-sufficient adult at the age of twelve. I spent my formative years striving to find a way to get out. Oxford was the answer and then the FBI Academy. Next it was the VCS and ISU, a perfect place for me forget. Alienating everyone with my attitude and profiling 'techniques' was simply a way of continuing my solitude. That was the way I wanted it, I didn't particularly care whether or not I lost my way.
Then I met you and everything changed.
You have become the center of my world, my reason for getting up in the morning and continuing the impossible quest that binds us together. Once, it was the need to find my sister that drove me, the all-consuming craving to know what happened that fateful night over twenty-five years ago. Now it is more than that. Now it is the feeling that envelops me when you are near that gives me the strength I need to make it through each day. The very thought of passing a day without you chills me to the bone.
You showed me that there is happiness in life, that there is hope. You are my best and only friend. No, not just a friend, but a soulmate. You make me a whole person; life is bearable as long as I know that you're there beside me, ready to catch me if I fall. Your smile soothes my demons, my fears vanish with the sound of your laughter, and the emptiness inside me fills with your very presence.
When this all began, I never realized that you would become such an important piece of my life. I doubted you would make it past the first case, did everything possible to dissuade you from staying. Because I was used to being alone, it was what I found comfort in. If I was alone, then no one could hurt me. Self-defense mechanisms work on their own brand of logic. But you stayed. And the longer you stayed, the less I tried to make you leave. Until one day I realized that I was afraid of you leaving. That was when I began to let you in and it was at that very moment that I was forever changed.
Letting you in was both the best and worst thing that could have happened. Best for me because I have never been so complete, though I never thought I would lose my heart in the process. But I am a selfish person. It was the worst for you because your association with me has brought you nothing but pain and heartache. You lost your sister, a month of your life, your ability to bear children, and the agony of living with cancer. Yes, you may be cured for the time being, but a chip in your neck that could mean a fiery death is the price. You were safer without me. Safer when I was alone.
But I cannot let you go. Because my heart would rend in two if I lost you. Love is a powerful emotion and it is one that encompasses my very soul when I think of you. You don't know how long I have wanted to touch your lips and hold you tight. You don't know how long I have waited and I was going to tell you tonight.
But the secret is still my own.
Was it Fate that made me decide to tell you tonight? Did I somehow know that I might never have another chance? I don't know how I possibly could have had any idea as to what would happen, but after all I have seen I wouldn't be surprised to find that it was Fate.
I lie here on the floor, the warmth of my blood surrounding me, the only warmth I feel as I shiver in the dark. It is getting harder to breathe and the fact that I can no longer have any sensation in my arms and legs is not an encouraging sign. The fire in my chest is all that my senses register, the pain an obstacle to my concentration.
I know that I don't have much longer and an indescribable fear sweeps through me. I am alone. Cold tears trail down my cheeks as I accept the fact that I will die alone, that I will never see your radiant beauty again. Nor will I spar with your stunning intellect, feel your small body brush against mine as we walk beside each other.
I can't breathe now, my starved lungs crying out, pushing blood into my mouth in a vain attempt to pull in oxygen. I begin to cough and almost lose consciousness as the pain flares unbearably. I call out to you, knowing that you cannot hear me but not caring all the same. Your name brings me comfort, a mantra that can hold Death at bay. A red flame that lights the darkness of my life, I hold onto the image of your face.
But it is still dark.
Weariness settles over me like a blanket, sapping at my remaining strength. Perhaps I was never meant to tell you, maybe this is the way it should be. A life spent alone should end the same way. I close my eyes, allowing the pain to come. I feel blood trickling down my lips to pool on the wood beneath my face, knowing that I cannot fight any longer.
Suddenly a red light reflects against the insides of my eyelids and a voice I know better than my own is whispering in my ear.
"Stay with me, Mulder."
You have come. Somehow, you came. Your hands caress my face and I sink deeper into the darkness, eased by your touch. I fight to open my eyes and when I do, tears are shed at what I behold. You are leaning over me, light from behind creating a golden halo around you. You smile at me, the sadness in your eyes fading slightly.
"Help is on the way, please hold on."
I struggle to pull in a breath and find that it is a bit easier than before. It will be hard but I will do this for you. Because it is not dark anymore. Because I am not alone and my love for you is still unknown.